There's no denying that the last month has been the hardest month of my life. The next month is going to be harder. Am I prepared for that? No. Will I cope? Yes. I'm not quite sure how yet but I know I will. Friends and family keep telling me how much they admire my strength, yet I don't feel very strong. However, hearing that gives me the boost I need to carry on and knowing it's coming from those who know me best and those I trust most in the world reminds me that everything will somehow be ok.
I don't want to go too much into the situation, it's not meant to be an emotional read, but if you're reading this now, you've probably read previous blog posts or follow me already on social media and will know that my Dad has cancer. You may also know from recent posts, or maybe even my lack of posts, that things have deteriorated pretty quickly. A few weeks ago we were summoned to a stuffy room in a hospital ward and told that Dad had a matter of weeks to live. Those words left me speechless, lost and broken.
Back in June not long after his diagnosis, we were told he'd be lucky to have a year. At the time and for a while afterwards that speechless, lost and broken feeling overwhelmed me, but soon it was a case of getting on with things. Dad coped so well with a LOT of chemo, he had good days and bad days but generally and in comparison to many others undergoing cancer treatment, he was pretty lucky. At the time of diagnosis, we were told the cancer was incurable and any treatment was to prolong his life and keep him comfortable. His positivity and love for life, his open attitude towards alternative remedies and his middle finger up to cancer gave us all hope. One of his scans surprised even the medical professionals and of course gave us even more hope to cling to.
Fast forward a few months and it's a different picture. That speechless, lost and broken feeling isn't going anywhere, and as I watch my Dad deteriorate daily knowing there's not a lot I can do except be there and spend time with him, the only thing I can do to ease the heartache is to learn how to become a better person from it. The devastation has allowed me to sit back and look at the world in a different light and although it upsets me immensely that it has taken me til now, as a result of the biggest challenge I've faced, to start having a mindset shift, it's the one positive thing I can take and share. Read my next post to find out more and please, don't wait til you face adversity to change your mindset. Seriously, cliche as it sounds, learn to live every day like it's your last!